Scurrilous Ephemera

• Linda Hamilton and Sarah Silverman Share Their Man Gripes; Naomi Campbell A-Ok After an unreasonably long absence, our SE columnist is back, with news about Sarah Silverman, James Cameron and Linda Hamilton, and Naomi Campbell. What, no Heidi Montag-Pratt?

• Heidi Montag Pratt ‘The girl can’t win,’ writes Scurrilous Ephemera reporter Stephanie MacDonald. ‘First she’s horsey, then when she gets a major surgery overhaul she looks like a crazy cyborg created by an alien who once saw a picture of a human in a scrap of a page in Maxim magazine.’

• Dennis Hopper The battle for the film icon’s money. Also – Mischa Barton’s on-set trouble, and the latest semi-celebrity to pose nude for Playboy.

• Conan O’Brien Says See Ya Later! Jay Leno Writes a Letter. It’s a week when everyone decided to quit everything, except the people who should be quitting. They’re staying. Or something…

• Avatards Appear; Snooki Renewed; Kate Gosselin’s Hair Apparently, some people are taking this whole Avatar thing waaaay too seriously. And then there’s Jersey Shore, which has—surprise—already jumped le shark.

• Rachel Marsden Moves to France, Writes a Book Dear France, Please accept our sincerest apologies, but she’s your problem now. Sincerely, Canada

• The Decade in Review In a decade of horror, My Monkey Baby stood out. So did Brett Michaels, the Jersey Shore cast, and Heidi Montag-Pratt. Scurrilous Ephemera reminds us what it means to be humans with TV sets.

• Scurrilous Ephemera – Holiday Edition! Our columnist is back! And now we know who Hailey Glassman is, how Ivana Trump celebrates the holidays and whether a blue bikini works for Sienna Miller. Thank you, oh SE scribe, for bringing us up-to-date on the latest and greatest personalities!

• Goodbye, 1990s. We’ll Always Have Lollapalooza Be careful what you wish for—we asked for a new Scurrilous Ephemera, and now we can barely keep our tuna sandwich down.

• Ronnie, Evan Rachel, and the ones by George Michael’s House – It’s All About the Woods! Except when it’s about Jersey Shore. And ‘The Situation’.

• Alec Baldwin’s No Burt Reynolds. But Even Burt Reynolds Isn’t Burt Reynolds. Or is that Cary Grant? Whatever. Today’s Scurrilous Ephemera delves into the return of male chest hair (did it ever go away?), Hungarian millionaire cavemen, and why the best revenge is a used sex toy.

• Harlot-of-the-Moment Rachel Uchitel Snaggling Tiger’s Rooster? Plus – Marilyn Monroe more cool than before, astoundingly; Lindsay Lohan, even less, if possible; and Suri Cruise.

• Brad and Angelina – Can We Handle the Truth? Plus – finally, a country that realizes a world without ABBA is like a world without sunshine. And – Morrissey’s Withering Gaze (should be a new band but isn’t).

• Call Her Crazy (Just Don’t Call Her Yonkers) Lady Gaga puts a stop to those malicious rumours. Also – Pete Doherty comes clean (yeah right), the Khardashians have some sort of parental figure in their lives, and baboons will eat your heart.

• Prostitution for Fun, Profit and Cancer Research Also – Robert Pattinson’s boy-crush on Zac Efron, and Ashlee Simpson contributes her fashion sense to a waiting world.

• Ex-Miss California Carrie Prejean’s Solo Sex Tape! Does anyone have a link? Also: Sarkozy!

• Lindsay’s Straight Again! But that’s questionable news for Gerard Butler. Also: Stone Roses to reform? In Stephanie MacDonald’s dreams!

• Anderson Cooper’s Gay? Holy Shit! Also, Robert Pattinson confounds Vancouver restaurateurs, gossip hounds and Twilight fans in one fell swoop. Also, Sarah Palin.

• Scurrilous Ephemera Helps You Choose Your Halloween Costume Cliche costumes? Look elsewhere. Obtuse and bizarre costumes? Step right this way…

• Who’s Hot? Michael Buble. Who’s Not? New Moon Soundtrack! Sorry, New Moon s/t—you lose! Burnaby (Vancouver doesn’t want to claim him) crooner Michael Buble tops the charts the second week in a row. To think dude used to play the Purple frickin’ Onion…

• Saw VI Slain By Paranormal Acivity Not even fancy roman numerals could save the latest in the torture porn franchise. Plus – LaToya Jackson communes with the dead, some chick from The Hills, and Morrissey.

• Heidi Montag-Pratt – Can’t Sing, Can’t Act, Can’t Dance, But She’ll Come To Your Party for a Price Also – Clooney.

• Octomom’s Been Eying Another Mass Producer. Plus – Padma Lakshmi Turns Men Into Weak-kneed Jellyfish. Also: flesh-eating fish off the coast of Vancouver Island.

• The Balloon Boy – Lizard People Connection. Plus – More Anti-Fashion from the Kardashians. Balloon Boy, Lizard-king David Icke, those lovely and gracious Kardashians, and Rachel Maddow.

• Avril + Deryck = Divorce, Canadian Style Canada’s # 1 punk-rock couple are calling it off after decades, or is it months. Plus – booze.

• George Takei Takes it to The Newlywed Game. Plus – Joe Jackson. The Creepy One. Also – CK’s padded crotches for men. It is to laugh, writes Steph Mac.

• Marge Simpson + Playboy. Matt Groening, What is Wrong With You? Steph Mac on Hugh Hefner’s sagging empire’s latest desperate attempt to get ‘with it.’ Plus: Karl Lagerfeld, Rachel Marsden, Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy.

• ‘Ladyflowers’ in Advertising In which our Scurrilous Ephemera correspondent hurts her head coming up with new euphemisms for that special place.

• The Sophoclean Tragedy of Anna Nicole Smith. Also: Dick Cheney Spotted at Ani Difranco Concert? Poor Anna Nicole—she couldn’t even hire a hitman properly.

• Showgirls II – Who Says Hollywood Has Run Out of Ideas? OCD is never pretty—unless it’s the malady du jour of Charlize Theron, Leonardo Dicaprio and David Beckham. Plus—a cure for bathroom lineups at parties and Showgirls II.

• Lindsay Lohan Works Her Magic for Ungaro Didn’t she used to be famous for something other than tabloid fodder? What was it again? Hmmm. Oh yeah… she used to be in the movies. Meet Lindsay Lohan, fashion maven.

• David Letterman – We Thought We Knew You Scurrilous Ephemera’s take on the talk-show host’s weirdest moment ever (sorry, Joaquim). Also; monkeys dressed as babies.

• Kardashian. Montag. Gibson. Megalodon. Our ever-vigilant SE reporter reports on prehistoric fish jaws, the Heidi Montag/Spencer Pratt/The View axis of evil and the mating habits of reality-TV stars.

• Williams’ Tampax Ad, Lady Gaga = Stefani Germanotta Also: Will Jon Gosselin have to get a real job? What’s that crawling around on the Pope’s shoulder? Whither the paddlefish?

• Zolciak Tart-y for the Party, Pamela Anderson Finally Ends Up in a Trailer Also: what’s up with those duplicitous Swedes? And Michael Moore gets in trouble. Wait a minute, that’s not news…